Not long ago, I received the following sales email from a company wanting to sell me software that measures the long-term impact of training. Potentially very interesting, but sadly the author scored quite a few own goals. How many can you spot?
Subject line: Meeting invitation
I wanted to get in contact with you to introduce our company ABC.
We have developed a web-based learning platform used to increase results from all types of educational activities. We help organisations, such as X and Y, improve the impact of their training programs, through behavioural application. Our platform incorporates the methodologies of Dr X and Professor Y, both world-renowned experts in the field of training evaluation.
Using our platform enables training programs to achieve the highest transfer of learning from the classroom back into the workplace.
If you’re interested to know more on how ABC can benefit your organisation I suggest we set up a time for a video Skype call.
I look forward to hearing from you.
The obvious problems are the poor subject line and no name after ‘Hi’. At this point, most readers reach for the Delete key.
Most striking, though, is that the email is all about him, his company and his product. Doing this is especially risky at the start of an email.
I’ve come up with a couple of more reader-focused alternatives below: one that’s quite safe and one a bit bolder. They still need a bit more work, but they’re going in the right direction.
Example one (safe-ish)
Subject line: Proving the long-term value of your training courses
As an experienced training provider, you’ll know how difficult it can be to measure the long-term impact of training. You’ll also know it’s a key factor in securing new clients.
But what if there was a way to convince clients more easily? That’s what our new platform, ABC, can help you with. [Insert the system’s key features/benefits here.]
So if you’d like to keep your current clients happy and gain new ones more easily, ABC could be the answer.
Interested a 15-minute Skype call to look at some of the features of the system? Just drop me a line at XYZ and I’ll set it up.
Example two (bolder)
Subject line: Gary, reassure your clients with ABC [name of platform]
Picture the scene. You’re in a crucial sales meeting. It’s going well – so far. But you know at some point they’re going to ask you the killer question: ‘How can you actually measure the long-term impact of your training?’
You gulp, take a deep breath and do your best not to sound too vague.
But what if you could be more specific and convincing? Our new system, ABC, could be at least part of the solution. [Insert the system’s key features/benefits here.]
Armed with so much powerful data, imagine how much easier it would be for you to close those sales.
So if you’d like to keep your current clients happy and gain new ones more easily, get in touch on XXX.
Can you really afford to let clients go to your competitors?
Whichever option you prefer, the whole email changes just by thinking about the reader a bit before starting.
So, for sales emails with a bit more oomph, the recipe is easy. Just get over yourself. Properly.